Little Sister

Little Sister
Little Fairy child
Little "I'm telling mama"
Little "What are you reading?"
and Little "Can I have it when you're done?"
Little taller sister
but still little sister,
When did you become woman?
When did we become women?

I'm still living in the times when we ate blueberries
and picked all the roses in poppa's garden

Little sister I have watched you find your own way
Never asking for help
One thousand miles,
running from nothing but towards everything

Little sister I think of us standing in front of that scale
battling our demons our own ways
I think of you in running shorts and me in sports bras
I think of shoving caffeine pills down our throats
and thinking we lived in a goddamn devil town
and I think of my silence and your pain
and I wonder how we ever learned to love ourselves.

Little sister I think of how we found solace
and I remember whisper in the halls
and questioning eyes
but little sister I need you to know it wasn't your fault,
children handle things the best they know how
and some handle things better than others
and I'm sorry I wasn't always what you needed
but I was girl becoming woman
and I did things the best I could

Little sister please believe me when I say I wish I could have been more
and still wish I could be
and when you wonder if you are beautiful
know that you are
When you wonder if you are worth it
know that you are
and know that when you felt the touch of hands crossing the boundary of your body,
that you have never been alone

Little sister know that you are loved.

Pantoum about living with depression.

A monster lives in this body
so I live in a sea of couch cushions and guilt
wondering if it'd really be so bad to go out like Hemingway.
Michael looks at me with sad eyes.

I live in a sea of couch cushions and guilt
but I decide today is the day I get up.
Michael looks at me with hopeful eyes
so I hold onto my mask.

I decide today is the day I get up.
I go through the motions.
I hold onto my mask,
and I am tranquility recollected in anxiety.

I go through the motions.
My mama says I get it honestly
But I am anxiety recollected in tranquility
So I search for the good inside myself.

Mama says I get it honestly
but I don't know what that means to her
So I continue the search for the good inside myself
The paper says partial remission


but I don't know what that means
maybe that I'm too scared to go out like Hemingway
I want the paper to say full remission
but a monster still lives in this body.

Husband draft 3

My husband got music in his blood
Got rhythm in his bones
Got songs in his mouth

Tap tapping on a drum set

a steering wheel

our kitchen table

I hear him

My husband got broken up beats that hide behind his teeth 

His heartbeat is my bass line slash life line when I just don't know if I can deal with this life
he is there

keeping time

Tap tapping on a high hat when I am low

Most days he is is the only thing I can feel
because depression has taken hold of this body

I do not know how to be anyone's metronome

Yet here I am wife, friend, lover

I've come to realize that this love is a song 

and we are the dancers
And just when I think I will fall
this man
he catches me

And I feel the music in his blood
Feel the rhythm in his bones
and taste the songs in his mouth

Husband- draft 2

My husband got music in his blood
Got rhythm in his bones
Got songs in his mouth

Tap tapping on a drum set

On a steering wheel
On our kitchen table

I hear him

My husband got broken up beats that hide behind his teeth 

His heartbeat is my bass line slash life line when I just don't know if I can deal with the shit

he is there, helping me keep time

Tap tapping on a high hat when I am low

Most days his music is all I can feel because depression is fucking chiming in my ear 

I do not know how to be anyone's metronome

Yet here I am wife, lover, friend 

I've come to realize that this love is a song 

and we are the dancers
And just when I think I will fall
His song
His dance
Catches me

And I feel the music in his blood
Feel rhythm in his bones
See songs in his mouth

I hear no church bells- draft 2

Daisies cover the field like waves in an ocean

-crashing down on my eyes in currents of white, yellow, and green

I feel the softness of lace trail down my back to my feet

Orange-gold bracelets clink on my wrist as I reach for his hand

These blue topaz and silver circles sing our fingers electric as we taste this fire that is love and smell this freedom is youth

I give my vows with certainty because I wrote them myself

I hear no church bells but I worship in this open air

on this mountain we bind ourselves
man to woman
woman to man.

Pantome of depression (draft 3)

Depression is a hell of a thing
I lie here, eyes open
Living in a sea of couch cushions and guilt
They ask me if I'm okay

I lie here, eyes open
How numb is too numb?
They ask me if I'm okay
I hold onto my mask

How numb is too numb?
I decide today is the day I get up
I hold onto my mask
I go through the motions

I decide today is the day I get up
A monster lives in my body
I go through the motions
Forever apologizing

A monster lives in my body
Depression is a hell of a thing
Forever apologizing
For living in a sea of couch cushions and guilt

I hear no church bells draft

Daisies covered the field like waves in an ocean
crashing down on my eyes in currents of white and green
I feel the softness of lace trail down my hair to my feet
Rainbow bracelets click on my wrists as I reach for his hand
and I give my vows with certainty because I wrote them myself
I hear no church bells but I worship in this open air
I give thanks to this world
for this man
for this union